Last night I dreamed about an old friend who isn't a friend anymore. She hasn't spoken to me in seven years.
But in my dream we were hanging out, or trying to. Trying to escape parents that we never had in real life, so that we could run amok.
I have no hopes, false or otherwise, that this person will ever be my friend again so I wish very much that I would stop dreaming about her.
It's been seven years. That's long enough for hope to die, isn't it?
I feel real fucked up lately. I feel like it doesn't really matter what I do or say because I'm just going to fuck it up.
It feels like, the people who need me, would be better off without me because I'm just going to fuck them up.
I feel like there was one person in this world who wanted me, needed me, protected me and that person is dead now.
And has been dead.
I feel like it must be nice to be in your twenties, or thirties, or forties, or even your fifties and still have one or both of your parents left alive.
That is, if your parents are or were worth a shit.
If they're not worth a shit, does it matter?
Peoples definitions of what a shit is worth varies.
To me, it's not worth much.
I don't have anything, and yet, I have it all.
But I don't deserve it.
I'm the one that's not worth a shit, I know this, I know this.
I don't know what I'm waiting for.
5 comments:
You ARE worth a shit. We are all afraid that we will fuck something, someone up. Hoo, I care about you..always have, always will. I know if I needed you, you'd be there in a heartbeat, you'd call me, you'd just fucking be a friend.
Parents...oh don't even get me started. I'm not sure what hurts worse, not having parents that are living, or having living parents who aren't worth a shit. I don't know about you, but I often ask the questions why can't my parents love me, why was I born, etc. It hurts.
I love you, Hoo. Don't you ever think for one minute that someone doesn't need you because I need you...we all do!
Call me if you need me.
Oh my sweet Hollyroo. I love you and so does your family. I love you like a daughter, sister, neice all wrapped up into one.
Focus on enjoying your husband and children. They are absolutely wonderful. They would not be able to function without you and your love. Try to let go of your anger. It is negative energy. It is something I'm working on right now as well.
I personally don't know anyone who isn't fucked up. So I'm assuming that means we are all normal?
My point is, you feel what you feel and that's ok..but you are worth it and you do deserve the good in your life. If you didn't, you wouldn't have it. You have lots of love and support out here..even if it's merely thru blog comments. I don't know you hardly at all, but what I do know of you, I like alot!
You do rock Holly :-)
I have read far too many wonderful things about you to believe that! We are always our own worst critics, but even knowing that we can paralyze ourselves from doing what's best for us if we don't fight it!
My parents both had their issues, but I lost "the good one" 25 years ago and, having been told it was my fault he died, though deep down I knew better, caused me to make more mistakes than I should have with my own sons. That they have turned out "all right" has much less to do with me than it should have!
I'm 52, and I still fight all those demons every day. I tell myself to let them go, and some days I can; other days they're like the gophers in that arcade machine and they pop up as fast as I can knock them down...
But when my grandkids come to visit, I'm glad I've stuck around!
Yes, a lot of days I wanted to give up...a few times I tried!
Now I know why I didn't!
I know why you shouldn't either!
And if I have to send these people that love you so much down there to remind you, I'll figure out how!
alan
Have I told you lately that I love you?
I love you!
Post a Comment