Approaching The Speed Of Light

More Than A Year

2010-12-09T21:32:00.001-08:00

More than a year since I've written here. Feels longer. Feels odd to be back. Am I back? I don't really know. Why am I here? Because I can't sleep. Because my mind, it troubles me. Good ol' blogger. Comforts me. I guess.

Times is tough. Times is hard. I've been through worse, though, so I have. So have we all.

I want to say... (what do I want to say?)... that I love this life. Shocking, to me. Yet it's true. I do love this life, and the friends I've made. Wouldn't trade them for the world. And the experiences I've had- yes, they've made me who I am.

And I'm ok. Really. I'm ok. Not an angel but not a monster, either. No matter what anyone may think. I'm a good person.

We're going to have a better year in 2011. All of us, a better year. Abundant lives. Purpose and destiny (and dare I say it? maybe even God?) will lead us where we need to be. I believe that now.

To all my blogger friends, I love you. We may be lost, but we're not forgotten. And when there's someone there to remember us, we can always find our way home.

Attention White People!

2009-09-30T12:28:00.001-07:00

If you are a white person who has an entirely black child or a half-black child, learn how to fix their damn hair!!!

I've been meaning to bitch about this for awhile now. This issue has always bothered me, but Matthew goes to school with some kids whose hair is suffering! Suffering, I say!! It's ridiculous. There is a woman here in town, I don't know her name but Kevin knows her. She went to Africa several years ago and came back with an African husband. They promptly adopted a bunch of kids from Africa and had one of their own as well.

Anyway, I don't care that her husband is African (he is a bicycle cop, though, which is weird) or that they adopted kids from Africa (personally, I think their are plenty of kids here in America that need adopting, too, but whatever, it's their life). I don't care that they're a bi-racial couple and family, all of that's dandy, just dandy.

But you should see these children's hair. It's horrible. The boys aren't as bad, because it's kept short, but you can tell that somebody who doesn't know how to cut a black person's hair buzzed these boys. The girl's hair is the worst. It's broken and dry and flying around all over the place. It just looks awful. Why? Why is it this way? Because they have a white mom who doesn't know shit about their hair.

If I were a parent of a black child, I would learn how to care for their hair properly. If I didn't learn how to take care of their hair then how the hell are they expected to learn? I feel this woman is doing her children a bad turn, and I feel a little sorry for them. I'm sure she's a great mom (maybe), and I'm sure they're great kids (maybe) but for Christ's sake, do something about that damn hair!

You all know what I'm talking about, right? You've seen it too, right? The white lady with the little black kid with the crazy afro or the white lady with the little black kid who you can tell they tried to straighten her hair and it just looks like crazy hay straw sticking out of an ugly headband? You've seen them, right? Right?

Please tell me it's not just me!

I'm sure it's me.

Quick Update

2009-09-21T12:20:00.000-07:00

Things are going pretty good. Kevin's crew is almost done building their first log home. He's done well considering he's not a carpenter, and he's terrified of heights. That particular job is two hours south of here, so he's also been gone most of the summer. This will be his first week back home every night. He was camping Down By the River, and for fun he would stack rocks, of which we have some pictures of here. The stack in the first two pictures is about six feet tall.

Ivy's cuter than ever. Her hair is long enough on top to do a little ponytail. Squeeee!!! Right now she's loving books and identifying things in the pictures.

Matthew is doing Tiger Cub Scouts, and having a blast. He's also been to three birthday parties since school started a month ago. That's exciting for him since he didn't get invited anywhere last year.

And I'm ok, too.

Love y'all.

The Dead Copperhead Head

2009-08-03T13:17:00.000-07:00

This is so gross.

So, it's Sunday morning, right? And I'm sitting at the computer, clicking away at the keyboard because I've dreamed the night before about my Evil Aunt Sherry and now I'm convinced she's dead and I'm searching for an obituary online. While I'm doing this, I am also enjoying the soothing sounds of Kevin taking care of long overdue yard work. It's a beautiful day so far.

And then I hear Kevin calling to me, oh-so blithely from outside, "Holly? Sweetie? Could you bring me the loppers, please?"

I go out there and he's standing by some tallish grass pinning something against the house with this little rake/hoe type thingy. It's a copperhead. Oh yeah. An effing copperhead.

So I take him the loppers and he makes me hold the rake/hoe thingy so he can cut off it's head. And cut off its head, he did.

Again, I say gross!!!

A little while later and the excitement has died down. I'm back at the computer and I hear Kevin calling to me again, "Holly! Come see this! It's still moving!" I run outside and we're standing there watching the dead copperhead head open it's mouth and writhe around. Yep, that's excitement 'round these parts. Then it occurs to me to get my camera and try to get some video.

Now, this is not good footage. I missed most of the good stuff. My hands were shaky but you can see the mouth opening and closing and it's tongue moving around. You will see Kevin poking it with the rake/hoe thingy. You will also hear my creepy, heavy breathing and my annoying cat meowing in the background. Finally, you will hear me bitching, which I think is quite funny.

I tried all day to get this stinking video uploaded on Blogger with no success. So, please follow this link over to Youtube if you're weird like me and like to watch dead snake heads do sort of freaky shit.

Catching Up On Pictures

2009-07-13T09:38:00.000-07:00

This is Matthew on his graduation day. He was really excited about wearing his clip on tie.

This is him being presented with the "Most Friendly" certificate by his teacher, Mrs. Elsey.

Matthew and Mrs. Elsey. She's really a great teacher and this was her first year! She said she decided to go back to college and become a teacher because of the problems her own son had had in school. I'm so happy she did, too, because this was a hard first school year for me and she really helped both Matthew and I out, a lot.

Ivy's first birthday was May 2. Not a great big party, but hey, she's one! She was a doll, though, and loved opening her presents and played with every one of them. Interesting to note that the woman holding her in most of the pictures is Kevin's mom and Ivy actually let her hold her. Usually she just cries whenever Ann's around, ha ha ha ha. That's because she's only seen her a handful of times, but notice how if you weren't there and just had the pictures to go by, it would seem as if Ann is well loved by everyone and a big part of our family. Not true! (in my mind, anyway)

Then just some random pics.

Love you all!

Everybody Else Is Blogging So Why Can't I?

2009-07-08T10:15:00.000-07:00

I didn't realize it had been so long since I posted last. Just to update you, I don't think the thing with my friend and Kevin's friend is going to work out now. Turns out my friend had already been cheating on her man (she did break it off with her man though, but they still live together with their roommate) with some dude that she thinks is nice but who won't pay for her movie ticket or buy her a drink at the bar. She says she's not interested in a relationship with him but, whatever, every time I talked to her she had to get off the phone because she was hanging out with him or had she recently hung out with him. And Kevin's friend has turned into a man whore, too. He's knocked out at least three bitches since I posted last, but more like four or five, and this is a small town. I was still looking forward to my friend coming to visit anyway, but I don't think that's going to happen now, either. She was talking about how she wants to bring her roommate, who is also happens to be her best friend and her running buddy and is dating the cheap dude's best friend. This just makes me feel uncomfortable and quite honestly, it floored me that she would ever even suggest such a thing to me. I told her that I probably would like her friend if I met her, but I don't really feel like having a stranger in my tiny all-up-in-each-other's-asses house (not quite those words, though). Sigh. So they're all Thelma and Louise together, and while I know my friend loves me, I can't compete with what she has going on in Texas and I guess she knows that, too, because I haven't talked to her in a while and we used to talk all the time. It's been two years since she moved away, but this is the first time I've felt like I lost her as a friend and it's been hurting me for quite a while.

In other news, I'm still ultra-lonely. The only adult face I see for days on end is Kevin's, and I'm sick of his face. My mother-in-law kept Matthew for one night, two weeks ago, the first time in four years but won't say when she might keep him again. He loves her so much. I hate her so much. Next week is my fourth wedding anniversary and we have no plans because how can we have plans when there's no one willing or able to keep our kids? I'm trying to keep my perspective. We're doing so much better than we were last year but I'm still very isolated and alone and have not one single friend here in Arkansas. And it hurts more than a little bit but what are you going to do? Blog about it, I guess.

I Am So Very, VERY Wrong

2009-05-15T10:07:00.000-07:00

I am having bad thoughts. Thinking naughty things. Selfish things. Completely morally corrupt things.

Maybe not completely morally corrupt, but close enough.

I am thinking of doing something I've never done before. Something so bad, it makes me cringe inside. Just thinking about it makes me feel incredibly guilty and hypocritical. But then I think, fuck it! I'm going to do it anyway!

I could be building this up in my head to be a bigger thing than what it really is. I have bigger thing building issues. Maybe it's not that bad at all.

Maybe it's completely innocent!

And I'm completely innocent! Everything I say and do comes from love and smells like roses!

So what if I happen to introduce two people at a little get-together, hoping they might hit it off?

So what if one of them happens to be my very bestest friend in the whole wide world who moved away to Texas a year and a half ago leaving me alone and bereft in the world and if she met Kevin's hot friend with the big penis might move back to Arkansas while her current man with the small penis who doesn't appreciate her stays behind in Texas and we could all be one big happy family up here frolicking through the woods singing songs and holding hands?

Is that so wrong?

I shouldn't look at it as though I'm breaking up one relationship, but rather helping another.

My own. Because if I don't get some friends in my life, and soon, I'm going to have to kill Kevin and then where will our relationship be? Hmmm? See my point? Murdering your spouse doesn't usually bode well for the future of your marriage, now does it?

But if my wonderful, awesome, sweet and funny friend met someone and moved back here and she was happy, and Kevin's friend was happy, then I'd be happy, and thus Kevin would be happy because he doesn't get annihilated.

Sounds good right?

The only person not happy in that scenario is my friend's current short-dick man, but really, I mean REALLY, how long is a woman supposed to go on in life putting aside her own happiness in order to stay loyal to a man who puts forth no effort into their relationship? Doesn't even try.

I feel bad for the guy, but come on already! By my figuring, if things turned out like I hope, then instead of having one person who doesn't deserve the happiness he has because he doesn't appreciate it, we have FOUR!, yes that's right, FOUR! people who deserve happiness because they appreciate it and don't take friends and family for granted!

Yes, it's a wrong thing to do, and yet...it is so right. (for me, ha ha)

Yippee!!

Daydreams

2009-04-27T10:24:00.000-07:00

So this morning I was outside smoking a cigarette (yes, I'm still a dirty smoker. I don't want to be but that's the state of the union right now) and I sort of spaced off, as I usually do.

I thought about how nice it would be if, sometime this spring or summer, the man and the kids and I went downtown in Eureka and did some shopping and sightseeing.

And wouldn't it be nice if I ran into my very favorite actor (who after all of these years still holds the number one position on my Celebrity Fuck List), Josh Holloway, who just so happened to be in town vacationing as he's on hiatus from filming LOST?

Oh, yes...that would be nice.

I would tell him how much I love him- I mean, how much I love his work. My heart would pound and my cheeks would flush. Kevin would embarrass me by saying something stupid and Josh would feel this overall sense of uneasiness whilst trying to remain polite.

Yes...very nice.

And then later on that day, maybe I'd ditch Kevin and the kids (maybe?) and hit a bar and run into Josh again. Maybe slip a little something into his drink to loosen him up. Or, knock him out, whichever comes first.

Then maybe I would drag him to my car and start heading to a local hotel where I've already booked a room under an assumed name.

Don't worry. I'd be nice to him. Make sure he was returned clean AND without a clear memory of what transpired the day before.

It's good to have dreams. Things to aspire to.

It May Be Stupid, But Who Cares?

2009-03-26T20:36:00.000-07:00

I've gotta say that I'm sorry I'm such a shitty blogger. I think the reason for that is that my blog is a reflection of me as a person. Not that I'm a shitty person. But sometimes I'm a shitty person.

It's not all my fault. I've a few strikes against me. I'm ultra-lonely, and much too sensitive. I lose perspective. I seem to require near catastrophe to shock me out of my own head.

I'm a shitty blogger. Facebook was even worse. You should of seen me try. It was hilarious.

Sorry about that, Sarah.

Lately, I've been keeping my head above water. It's taking some will power, but it's being accomplished.

If Spring would just hurry up and get here...it would be better. Somehow.

I continue to stalk blogs when I get a chance. I want you to know that I'm following along, even if I've not left comments. (Sam.) And thank you for sticking with me through my awkwardness. I'm trying to rectify the situation.

Right at this moment, though, at this moment I'm fighting the urge to delete this post because I suspect that it's "stupid".

But I wonder if I will?

Just Because I'm Losing Doesn't Mean I'm Lost

2009-03-05T12:04:00.000-08:00

Been feeling that old familiar pain.
Time to redo the blog.
Time to start over.
Again.

Lots of thoughts, swirls, clouds.

Coagulating, formulating, breaking apart and coming together once more.

Like fractal art, but for right

NOW

I'm just here to get my feet wet.

Pretty Pumpkin Pie

Ivy had her first ride in the dirty Wal Mart shopping cart.

We had good times, my pumpkin and I.

Some Halloween Fun

2008-11-06T06:33:00.000-08:00

Yeah, we had some Halloween fun up in h'yere. We actually did some things together as a family instead of letting the playstation rot Matthew's brain while we toss the baby in the swing and run away outside as fast as our little legs can carry us to smoke a cigarette and pretend like we don't hate our lives. :)

And since that doesn't happen so very often anymore, I took some pictures to remember it by. You don't see my cluttered kitchen counter, either!

Matthew was the "Hulk Guy" for Halloween this year, which was great because the costume was CHEAP!

We made little ghosties to hang from the trees outside.

Kevin, taking all the glory of being master pumpkin carver. He made me get out all the yucky stuff inside though, wasn't that nice?

My little beauty! She is such a good baby, I hardly deserve her.

Mr. Meowkins.

My ghoulish cupcake graveyard!

Oooh, we're sooo spooky and yet, so very very delicious!

Ol' Ichibod Crane stopped by. Without calling first. How rude.

Mr. Meowkins again. He's a camera hog.

So that was some of our Halloween fun. We're looking forward to going to Wichita for Thanksgiving this year and meeting our new niece who is six weeks older than Ivy. Yay.

Ok, that's it. I love y'all! I post more soon!

2008-10-22T09:29:00.000-07:00

Things are dandy here of late. A little crazy but I figured out that I'm fine with that.

A little crazy is a good thing for me.

Not in the sense that I need chaos in my life to function in life. No, I don't desire chaos. But it seems like when things are going good for me, too good, I get nervous. Makes me wonder what's around the bend.

When things are just a little bit stressful, though, a little crazy, (just a little a bit!) it's like I have something tangible to deal with. Something real, something right now and not around the bend.

Feels like it makes me stronger.

The other day I decided that I needed a new attitude. An attitude adjustment, if you will. Basically, I'm just trying to be nicer and not get so angry about things. It's hard work but I'm hanging in there.

The only other things I'd like to mention today are that I'm very excited about the election and that on The View this morning Elizabeth Hassleback had a fetus growing on her chin.

Really.

2008-09-26T07:28:00.000-07:00

So, I know this is weird, but I was thinking about how everybody nowadays is mentally ill to one degree or another, and I started to wonder if it's always been like this. Have people always been this depressed? Did they just not talk about it?

Like back in the days of the Great Depression, don't you think people were pretty fucking depressed? It makes me wonder what the suicide rate was back then. Would you wake up one morning, look around your dust bowl and decide to just off yourself?

And farther back than that, even. Back to the ancient times, when life was really tough. Weren't those people depressed? How did the human race even survive, I wonder. How could they bare their own existence?

I said it was weird.

2008-09-21T05:58:00.000-07:00

Sassy, Becky, Jess and Alan- thank you for your comments. I can't adequately express (having trouble with that lately) what it means to me, but it means a lot.

I apologize that it's been so long since that last post. I've been trying to catch up on everyone else's blogs. I go to leave a comment but whatever I'm about to type will suddenly sound to me like the stupidest thing in the entire world so I don't comment.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

That's it. That's all I got.

Friday Suck Fest

2008-09-05T05:50:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamed about an old friend who isn't a friend anymore. She hasn't spoken to me in seven years.

But in my dream we were hanging out, or trying to. Trying to escape parents that we never had in real life, so that we could run amok.

I have no hopes, false or otherwise, that this person will ever be my friend again so I wish very much that I would stop dreaming about her.

It's been seven years. That's long enough for hope to die, isn't it?

I feel real fucked up lately. I feel like it doesn't really matter what I do or say because I'm just going to fuck it up.

It feels like, the people who need me, would be better off without me because I'm just going to fuck them up.

I feel like there was one person in this world who wanted me, needed me, protected me and that person is dead now.

And has been dead.

I feel like it must be nice to be in your twenties, or thirties, or forties, or even your fifties and still have one or both of your parents left alive.

That is, if your parents are or were worth a shit.

If they're not worth a shit, does it matter?

Peoples definitions of what a shit is worth varies.

To me, it's not worth much.

I don't have anything, and yet, I have it all.

But I don't deserve it.

I'm the one that's not worth a shit, I know this, I know this.

I don't know what I'm waiting for.

I Hate All The Baby Deers In The Whole World!

2008-08-27T07:51:00.000-07:00

Stupid, stupid baby Bambi deer!

I saw him there, too, that little fucker, he was on the left side of that steep-ass road, right where you have to start gunning your itty-bitty four cylinder if you even hope to make it up that hill, and he charged headlong into my front left bumper, flew up on the hood of the car and flew off again, just barely missing hitting the windshield, and ran his wobbly ass into the woods!

Damn, stupid baby deer! Who the hell does he think he is, trying to cross the road when there are cars coming? Looking all cute with his spots, trying to make me feel guilty when it's not my fault!

It's not my fault that civilization exists, and that I'm part of it. It's not my fault human beings have encroached on his habitat! Fuck that deer. I hate deer. They think they got it so-fucking-bad? I've got it bad! And you don't see me running headlong into traffic trying to fuck up somebody else's life!

I'm glad the hunter shot Bambi's mom! Yeah, that's right, I'm glad. Oh, it's true, I cried and cried my eyes out when I was a little girl and I saw that movie for the first time. I felt so sorry for Bambi because his mommy died! But them days are over! Growing up and having two wrecked cars in one year because of fucking Bambis put a stop to that!

Fuck you baby Bambi! You're not the only one with a dead mommy! Quit trying to kill yourself and somebody else by running out in front of cars!

You see, it really makes me angry.

I don't like all the deer around here. It makes me want to take up hunting, and the only living thing I've ever killed are plants and bugs, and who gives a shit about plants and bugs anyway, they don't have souls and they're not cute or lovable so you can kill all of those that you want to, and god won't get mad and send you to hell for all eternity for being a grudge holding bitch.

Monday Morning So Far

2008-08-25T09:08:00.000-07:00

I was sitting outside in the warm sun, enjoying the cool breeze and Marlboro 100.

I was thinking about things, and my stomach started hurting.

That is what thinking does to me.

Then I looked over and saw an ewwy slug glistening in the sunshine.

He won't be glistening for long. It's supposed to be in the upper eighties today.

I started thinking about my hair, which always makes me feel better.

I need thicker bangs.

And some highlights.

I then started thinking about my friend and her husband who have split up.

He spent her last fifty dollars on weed, so she kicked his ass.

Then he poured bleach all over her clothes and the police wouldn't do anything about it because they're married and it's "communal property".

Now she needs a place to live and I'm hoping that when she finds one she'll take my kitchen table because I want a new one.

With some chairs.

Then I came inside to type this.

So exciting.

His First Day Of Kindergarten

2008-08-21T07:49:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Matthew started kindergarten. Everything went very smoothly, with neither of us crying. Kevin got rained out at work so he stayed with the baby so that I could focus on the boy, which was excellent. We hung up his Incredible Hulk backpack and found his seat. The kids at his table were real nice, but I don't know about some of those other ones. Little Gustabo was looking like a little shit- oops, I mean, a delightful little boy? We'll see what happens, but if Gustabo messes with my kid, he's going down.

Today I drove him to school again, but he's going to take the bus home for the first time, too. He's very excited, but I wish we didn't live so far from his school. He's going to spend close to two hours a day just riding the bus to and fro. Before we got the car, I was totally worried about walking him the half mile to the bus stop because there was a vicious looking pit bull that lives down the road. I called the school (and the sheriff) about the dog, but nobody cared too much because the dog belonged to the COP that lives at that house. Now I don't have to worry anyhow, because I'm pretty sure that dog got shot to death when he turned on his owner (the COP, maybe karma does exist after all) and ripped his arm to shreds so that he had to spend a couple of weeks in the hospital in Springfield! Doh.

Met some other parents that seemed pretty nice, which was a bit of a surprise. It's amazing how snooty some folks get when their kids are attending PUBLIC school. I mean, really. It's freaking public school, what do they have to be snooty about?

Anyhow, that's it. The house is soooo quiet, it's almost eerie. Now, though, I'll be able to get some real work down around here! But first, I must take a good, long nap.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

A Tale For You

2008-08-19T14:03:00.000-07:00

I was a happy squirrel.

Until the day I ran afoul of an evil beastie.

Now, I am not

happy.

The end.

Losing My Mind At The Speed Of Light

2008-08-14T14:33:00.000-07:00

I'm told that when a person approaches the speed of light, which is to say that a person actually could approach the speed of light somehow, they perceive things as slowing down.

Imagine travelling so fast that it seems as though you've come to a complete stop.

That's the way I feel right now. My thoughts and emotions swirling inside me so fast and furious that I feel a strange, eerie calm.

Like I'm in the eye of the storm.

It's like, some fucking Matrix shit, I'm telling you.

And it's all about...well, that's hard to say, because it's like a stinky, smelly onion with it's many layers making me cry.

This shit is gonna have to come out in segments, or I'll never be able to stop the word vomit.

For right now, though-

it's my mother-in-law. I just don't understand her. The way she is, it makes me sick.

She's not an evil person. She's not even a bad person, she's a good person. I believe this, but

but

what the fuck, Ann?

Why, why, why when I finally reach out to you, like Stephanie said I should cuz she talked to you and just knew things would be different now, why when I finally reach out to you, invite you to sit with your granddaughter and spend time with your grandson, do you tell me that you have a prior commitment on that day so the answer is "no", and don't even ask how the boy is doing or if you could come on another day, just "good luck with that!" is all you said, and that was the end of the conversation?

And it's not about that my mother-in-law has a prior commitment, except that she always has a prior commitment with that certain person who is fully capable of not feeding off of her mommy like a big baby parasite, but that she made a comment about Kevin not ever telling her anything when she calls, and that she didn't so much as ask if she could come another day, or anything like that.

She hasn't seen these kids in almost three fucking months.

And she and that certain somebody are telling Steph what a grudge holding bitch I am, and they just don't know if I'll ever get over shit, but here I fucking am, reaching out to Ann, if not the other one, and it's like I'm asking her the fucking time of day.

Fuck her. I got a clock.

But really, it has me fucked up. I can't take her bullshit anymore. She can't remember my daughter's name, she can't remember that it's not my baby with the acid reflux problem but her other granddaughter, and she apparently couldn't care less about what happens with me because Kevin doesn't want to spend an hour on the phone talking to her.

But he will talk to her. I'm telling him tonight to call her, and let her know how it really is, and if he doesn't do it, it'll be his balls.

His balls, baby. (that was Planet Terror reference)