Ode To Mister ______

I thought about you today. You know who you are. I actually think about you most of the time. Most of the time those thoughts are unkind. Not today, though.

Today I missed you. I wanted to tell you about how they're clearing the brush away from the creek across the highway. You can see it now. It's pretty. I thought about how you used to want to go down there. Now you can. Or you could. 

But you won't. You're not here. You don't know that the bramble has been cut away. I won't tell you.

I won't tell you for the millionth time that I miss you. That I wish you still loved me. That you hadn't given up on me. That you hadn't left.

I won't tell you for the millionth time how angry I am. That I wish I had never met you. That you're an asshole. That I hate you for what you've done.

I won't tell you any of those things because you already know. You know what you've done, the hurt you've caused and the catastrophe you've left behind. You know all of that and it doesn't bother you much.

I don't know how long it will take me to move past this. Twenty years together has been most of my adult life. Now I'm living a different kind of life. I'm still adjusting.

So, for a while, I'll talk to you in my head, my heart and here. You never did read my blog. Or listen to my words. Or see my pain. You'll never know.

But maybe it will help me somehow. Help me to be able to leave you in the past, where you live now, where you belong.

I thought about you today. It won't be the last time, I'm sure. 

I miss you.

I love you.

I hate you, too, though.

Get fucked.

Wednesday's Child

They say Wednesday's child is full of woe. They also say if the shoe fits, wear it. For me, that shoe fits. I am Wednesday's child. Always have been.

I've always been lonely even when I'm not alone. Sad. Haunted by ghosts. Always yearning, desiring, needing, seeking...without. Never within. Why would I seek within? There's nothing of value there. People taught me that.

Anger came later but decided to stay. Along with it came resentment, stagnation, lies.

Disappointment has ever been my close companion. In myself, in others...in life, the universe and god.

I was not born in love but was filled with it anyway. I learned early that it hurts to love. I never learned to give up on love, though, even in my despair. 

That may seem like a good thing. To not give up on love. To keep the hope of love alive. It's not though. Not always. Not for me.

Because that hope can lie. It's easy to believe the lie. That things will change. That people will change. That things will work out in the end.

It allows you to accept things that shouldn't be accepted. Things that aren't good for you. Abuse. Neglect. Manipulation. You learn to make excuses, believe those excuses and not ever learn the reasons why.

The reasons, instead of the excuses.

Hope can make you sick and keep you sick. Hope can kill you.

Sometimes it's good to let go of hope. That's what I'm trying to do. To accept life as it really is. People as they really are. It's difficult.

I am Wednesday's child, still. I think that's just my nature. Not that there haven't been times of happiness, because there have been those times. And not that there won't be times of happiness again, because there will be. Life has taught me that.

But right now, it's hard. It's so hard to not give up but I no longer want hope. Not false hope, at least. All the hope I've ever had feels false.

I'm trying to look within. To seek there and find what I've always needed from others but never received. Trying to let my despair motivate me, propel me forward into a new, more complete understanding of myself and my life.

It's hard, though. I am still Wednesday's child, after all.