I've always been lonely even when I'm not alone. Sad. Haunted by ghosts. Always yearning, desiring, needing, seeking...without. Never within. Why would I seek within? There's nothing of value there. People taught me that.
Anger came later but decided to stay. Along with it came resentment, stagnation, lies.
Disappointment has ever been my close companion. In myself, in others...in life, the universe and god.
I was not born in love but was filled with it anyway. I learned early that it hurts to love. I never learned to give up on love, though, even in my despair.
That may seem like a good thing. To not give up on love. To keep the hope of love alive. It's not though. Not always. Not for me.
Because that hope can lie. It's easy to believe the lie. That things will change. That people will change. That things will work out in the end.
It allows you to accept things that shouldn't be accepted. Things that aren't good for you. Abuse. Neglect. Manipulation. You learn to make excuses, believe those excuses and not ever learn the reasons why.
The reasons, instead of the excuses.
Hope can make you sick and keep you sick. Hope can kill you.
Sometimes it's good to let go of hope. That's what I'm trying to do. To accept life as it really is. People as they really are. It's difficult.
I am Wednesday's child, still. I think that's just my nature. Not that there haven't been times of happiness, because there have been those times. And not that there won't be times of happiness again, because there will be. Life has taught me that.
But right now, it's hard. It's so hard to not give up but I no longer want hope. Not false hope, at least. All the hope I've ever had feels false.
I'm trying to look within. To seek there and find what I've always needed from others but never received. Trying to let my despair motivate me, propel me forward into a new, more complete understanding of myself and my life.
It's hard, though. I am still Wednesday's child, after all.
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