Limericks Say It Best

Something happened in the twenty years I was away. The world changed. Or people changed, or both. I'm not sure which. 

I knew I changed. I think we're supposed to. But how much? To how great a degree?

My life was flipped, turned upside down, as the Fresh Prince would say. Flipped again and again until I didn't know which way was up. 

I'm still dizzy from it all. Life is still upside down.

I had friends where I grew up. Good friends. My soul tribe. I was blessed and didn't know it. I took them for granted.

Then there came a time when I had to leave home. My first real life flip. I left a lot of my tribe behind, though there were those who put forth the effort to remain close to me and I was grateful for that, very grateful, because I was already by that time, feeling lost. Changed, but not in a good way.

But I did make new friends where I ended up. A new tribe. Good people. Good friends.

Things were okay until life flipped, again, and I left my tribe, again.

It was for a different reason this time.

The first time I left was because I was grieving. Running away from my pain. Leaving everyone and everything behind because remembering hurt too much.

I was running again, this time, but towards hope. I was pregnant with my first child. I was scared and wanted desperately to be a family with my child's father.

I left everyone and everything behind to start a new life in a new place.

I guess I thought I'd make friends again. Find a new tribe.

I never found anyone.

That was twenty years ago.

So the world must have changed. Or people changed. I certainly changed. I'm changing now, flipped again in this new place that isn't new anymore.

I think about my life. About the twists and turns and flips. The decisions I've made that have led me to where I am and the decisions that others have made for me.

I think about the people I've left behind and those who have left me.

I think about the major themes of my life. The ones that keep repeating, waiting for me to recognize them. Accept them. Embrace them.

I'm not meant to be a part of this world, the way it currently is. I'm no longer meant to have a tribe.

People leave and they don't come back.

It's okay to be alone. It's scary but it's okay.

I have to find some kind of fulfillment that doesn't come from deep, meaningful connection with others.

I have experienced love and I'm so grateful for that. Some people never get that. I've been luckier than a lot of people in this world.

My mistake has been wanting to experience that love again when, clearly, it's not meant for me any longer. I looked for twenty years and didn't find it.

Why? Why didn't I find it?

Because it's not there. I realize that now and am starting to accept it.

No more good friends. No more tribe. I'm meant to be alone now. Whatever I was here to do that involved other people, it must be done now.

And that's okay.

I still believe I have a purpose. I don't know what it is but hopefully, in my solitude, I'll figure it out. 

Holly Hermit has a purpose,

that of which she does not know.

But if you ask her, she'll only answer

"I am surely meant to be alone".

Grace and Mercy

When someone hurts us, people say that we need to forgive and forget. 

Some people say we should forgive but never forget.

Some people neither forgive nor forget.

Depending on the circumstances, the nature and seriousness of the transgression, any possible mitigating factors involving the transgressor and how I feel in general about the situation, I usually end up going with one of the first two options regarding forgiving and forgetting.

The third option of never forgiving and never forgetting seems like a sure way to stay stuck in a negative space. It wouldn't serve you well in any way. You would only continue to hurt.

But when someone does something that is particularly egregious, heinous... I think there is another viable option- forgetting but not forgiving.

Forgetting not just the injury, but forgetting the person who caused it, as well, and all of the associated pain of it. Leaving it all in the past so that you can move past the hurt, and begin to heal.

Some people would say that you can't heal without forgiveness. I don't think that's true. Forgiveness isn't necessary. And it's not something that be conjured out of thin air.

I can forget the pain. I can forget the person. But I will never forgive them for what they did.

And I shouldn't have to. I'm not God. It's not my job. Grace is not mine to give.

It's not about holding on to anger. That's been forgotten. It's simply what is.

I will forget you but I will never forgive you.

Forgiveness isn't required for me to move on with my life and to experience love and happiness again.

It's not a punishment, either, the not forgiving.

It just is what it is. 

Immutable. 

Unchanging.