Limericks Say It Best

Something happened in the twenty years I was away. The world changed. Or people changed, or both. I'm not sure which. 

I knew I changed. I think we're supposed to. But how much? To how great a degree?

My life was flipped, turned upside down, as the Fresh Prince would say. Flipped again and again until I didn't know which way was up. 

I'm still dizzy from it all. Life is still upside down.

I had friends where I grew up. Good friends. My soul tribe. I was blessed and didn't know it. I took them for granted.

Then there came a time when I had to leave home. My first real life flip. I left a lot of my tribe behind, though there were those who put forth the effort to remain close to me and I was grateful for that, very grateful, because I was already by that time, feeling lost. Changed, but not in a good way.

But I did make new friends where I ended up. A new tribe. Good people. Good friends.

Things were okay until life flipped, again, and I left my tribe, again.

It was for a different reason this time.

The first time I left was because I was grieving. Running away from my pain. Leaving everyone and everything behind because remembering hurt too much.

I was running again, this time, but towards hope. I was pregnant with my first child. I was scared and wanted desperately to be a family with my child's father.

I left everyone and everything behind to start a new life in a new place.

I guess I thought I'd make friends again. Find a new tribe.

I never found anyone.

That was twenty years ago.

So the world must have changed. Or people changed. I certainly changed. I'm changing now, flipped again in this new place that isn't new anymore.

I think about my life. About the twists and turns and flips. The decisions I've made that have led me to where I am and the decisions that others have made for me.

I think about the people I've left behind and those who have left me.

I think about the major themes of my life. The ones that keep repeating, waiting for me to recognize them. Accept them. Embrace them.

I'm not meant to be a part of this world, the way it currently is. I'm no longer meant to have a tribe.

People leave and they don't come back.

It's okay to be alone. It's scary but it's okay.

I have to find some kind of fulfillment that doesn't come from deep, meaningful connection with others.

I have experienced love and I'm so grateful for that. Some people never get that. I've been luckier than a lot of people in this world.

My mistake has been wanting to experience that love again when, clearly, it's not meant for me any longer. I looked for twenty years and didn't find it.

Why? Why didn't I find it?

Because it's not there. I realize that now and am starting to accept it.

No more good friends. No more tribe. I'm meant to be alone now. Whatever I was here to do that involved other people, it must be done now.

And that's okay.

I still believe I have a purpose. I don't know what it is but hopefully, in my solitude, I'll figure it out. 

Holly Hermit has a purpose,

that of which she does not know.

But if you ask her, she'll only answer

"I am surely meant to be alone".